Epidemic

It’s an ongoing epidemic, mostly for teenagers. Sure, I’ve tried it. It’s something everyone has tried once or twice. The first time I saw it I was mesmerized. I was in the Army playing war games, while stationed at Fort Riley, Kansas.

The field can be boring as shit or busy as hell, depending. It was one of those rare moments where we had a little down time, so my section and me, which consisted of: my chief, gunner and assistant chief Sergeant Bruce, number one man (the guy that loads and fires the cannon), and me the track operator, we sat there and joked around until Sergeant Bruce yells out:

“You guys gotta check this out, I’m gonna’ light my fart.”

“Bullshit,” I said. “That’s am urban legend.”

“Watch this shit,” he said as he dug deep into his pocket for a couple of seconds and withdrew his trusty Zippo lighter.

What I saw next would change my life dramatically.

Sergeant Bruce sat down, put his legs above his head, grimaced, and promptly lit his fart.

True That.

We laughed like a bunch drunk kids at a Three Stooges movie marathon. I mean I’ve seen this stuff on T.V. but to see it in person was unreal. Needless to say I was hooked. One could argue that wasn’t the smartest thing to do in a howitzer loaded with ammo, but hey we were bored as shit.

That's Right Bitches!!

I won a scholarship....in 2007

Newspaper Editor to Receive Scholarship

July 26, 2007
Senior Dan Sonderman has won the Fleishman-Hillard Inc. Scholarship of $1,500 in competition sponsored by the Journalism Foundation of Metropolitan St. Louis.

Sonderman is managing editor of the new Lindenwood student newspaper, The Legacy, which made its debut with three issues last spring. Following a summer internship as a reporter for the Suburban Journals, he will guide the student paper in its first full semester of biweekly publication this fall.
The Journalism Foundation will present its scholarship awards at a reception Wednesday, Aug. 8, at 6:30 p.m. in the Emerson Library Conference Room at Webster University, 101 Edgar Road, in Webster Groves.

http://www.lindenwood.edu/news/2007/393.html

This Is AWESOME

This is why photoshop was invented people!!!

Sometimes your dick just goes rogue

I don’t know about anyone else, but before I take a piss I have a little pep talk with “little Dan”, it usually goes something like this: “Ok this is going to be a routine piss, straight into the bowl, in and out. If we do well I’ll give you a shake afterward. OK Break.” Ninety-nine percent of the time everything goes as planned, but sometimes your dick has other plans.  I’M RUNNING THIS SHIT. It wiggles left and right, pisses out of two streams, hoses down the whole toilet and other crazy shit I can talk about without a puppet and a therapist. TRY TO EXPLAIN THAT FUCKER! NOW WHO’S THE DICK?

My son, now four, had a this happen to him last week. He looked like he had hosed down a fire on the crapper. I patted his back and said “Buddy, sometimes your dick just goes rogue. Now hand me a towel.”

Ash Wednesday

It’s Ash Wednesday and the hospital I work for distributes ashes for Catholics. An elderly woman, noticing the lack of ashes on my forehead, came up to me and asked, “Where are your ashes young man?"

I gave her a blank stare, I'm not against talking about religion, but people don't normally take up the subject.

 "Aren’t you catholic?” She said. She was smug about this like it’s a fucking crime to not be catholic, but whatever.

I replied, “No I’m Muslim.”

“Oh really?” she asked.

“Yeah after 9-11 I just had this real strong urge to become one.”

I still have no idea why I said this. Usually when people ask about my religious beliefs I tell them I worship Satan, Easter Bunny, toast, the force, tortilla Jesus or some other wacky shit I think of off the top of my head.

I love my country, served in the Army and all that stuff, but something about this old crab just make me want to punch her. Since I can’t do that, I’ll just be as offensive I can, well not offensive enough that a trip to Human Resources is warranted.

“Well you know that religion is all hogwash (yes she actually said hogwash), according to the bible…” Then she starting preaching about some holy shit I can't really remember because I said, “THE ONE TRUE GOD ONLY RECOGNIZES THE QURAN!”

She looked offended and stormed off. This bitch, who’s forcing her religion on me, is offended.

I think I’m going to scream out “praise be to Allah!” if I see her again. Maybe put some towels on my head too. What if I was actually Muslim? Here she is telling me that her book of lies is better than my book of lies.

Still, I don't know what gives her (or anyone) the right ask me about my religion.

My Father

The other day I asked my boss about the possibility of a raise; about a buck or two. She laughed rolled her eyes and murmured something like “good luck with that.”
Her brutal honestly reminded me of my father.
When I was around eight years old I asked my father if I would ever be a major league baseball player. He looked me up and down a said “probably not kid.” Then he continued adding his normal cocktail of gasoline and lighter fluid to the barbeque pit. I was heartbroken.
“Hey,” my older brother said with an snicker. “the old mans ‘bout to light himself on fire again.
My old man set an unofficial neighborhood record igniting himself on fire. This only bested by the senile old couple next door who owned a fireplace and no common sense. The fire department was on a first name basis with my street. We sent them cookies every Christmas.
My brother’s prediction came true. A mere five minutes later my dad was human torch.
“Jesus, not again,” my mother said. She want to grab the fire extinguisher while my father fell to the ground and rolled. He looked like snail that someone put salt on. In the distance I heard a fire truck.

Phone conversation

"In my day we didn't have fancy telephones!"

"Can you listen for my cell, I think I left it there." I asked my mother "Ok smart guy how do you plan on doing that?"
"I'm gonna hang up and call it."
My father woke and stirred, like a giant bear waking from hibernation.
"Buns who is it?" he said.
"Danny thinks he left his phone here!" She yelled, even though my father was maybe ten feet from her.
"Who?" The old man said.
"So how ya doing kid? She asked.
"Well, I can't find my cell and I'm expecting a call from..."
"I don't hear it!" he yelled back.
"Well he didn't call it yet!"
"Be quiet I'm listening for the phone!"
Christ, I shook my head as I hung up to call my cell.

Healthcare CEO Pay

Money, Money, Money, Money, Money, MON AH.

Kudos to SSM CEO Bill Thompson who had the sack to talk to reporters, unlike his counterparts. Read the story Post-Dispatch Story here.

It would be nice if regular worker pay kept pace with CEO's compensation. While Thompson enjoys a 26 percent raise in 2011, SSM Employees earned a 2 percent bump. Still 2 percent is a whole that more than the big fat zero some other people got.

Still you have to admire the fact that Thompson basically said "Yep that's what I make." While all the others hid.

Don’t take me out to the ball game motherfucker

I'd be pissed if had to spend all night at Busch too.

I’ve come to point in my life where I hate going to baseball games. You wait in crowds of the dirty, smelly, intoxicated, unwashed masses to cram into seats surrounded by Cardinal fans, the most passive aggressive rude people in the baseball world. I feel like I’m being suffocated in filth. All while you bake and sweat  in the Saint Louis Humidity. Not to mention you drop a hundo every time you go there.

Don’t even get me started on Busch three. It’s a cathedral of consumerism designed to shake naïve fans out of their money and shove them out the gate. It has the ambiance and atmosphere of an airport. We act like it’s the end of the world if Matt fucking Holliday doesn’t hit with runners in scoring position, IT’S A GAME, no one’s going to die because the card’s lost and if you’re that upset about it, get a life. The Saint Louis Cardinals don’t give a fuck about you.

Think about sitting next to this guy.

There’s just something so corporate about baseball now, the purity, if there ever was any is long gone with shit like this. You can’t walk outside of the ballpark without someone hitting you up for a donation. SIDENOTE, why is it whenever I go to Walgreens the clerk is always hitting me up for a donation. I get them asking once, but not two or three times. If I have an extra buck it’s going to a family or friend, not some asshole I’ve never even met.

When Busch Two closed the Cardinals sold everything, including the urinals in the home team locker room and some dumb fucker bought it for over two thousand.  “Hey Bill do you think they’d buy a turd if we put a cardinal logo on it?”

My beef isn’t with the Cardinal Ownership, it’s with the fans.  It’s our own fault baseball and well professional sports in general is in this predicament. They continue to raise ticket prices. logo goddamn everything and we clap and buy whatever they sell. We're all buffoons. Modern day fans have done nothing to stop this, so why should the owners?

I suppose I’ll have to take my son their one day as a rite of passage. I’m not really looking to it. God forbid he stands up to block someone’s view and the Cardinal Faithful passively tell him to sit down.

Or grown people bringing signs to games, (like this winner) come one have a little respect for yourself and get naked to be on TV.

Best fans in baseball my ass, ask Mitchell Boggs, Tino Martinez and Albert Pujols about that.

I’m too young to be this cynical.